Lisa Brookes Kift has posted a really nice article by Richard Nicastro about some of the popular myths about men and their roles in relationships.

“I’ve been married for over twenty years. I know I’m not perfect, but I can honestly say that I do my best to be a good husband…I care about what my wife thinks of me as a husband and father.” ~Sal

“It scares me to admit this, but I’d be totally lost without my wife. She’s my best friend and she tells me that I’m hers. Making her happy is everything to me…” ~Luis

“You only hear about the guys who are abusive or cheat, but how about the tons of men who are faithful and kind?” ~John

These are some of the messages several men shared with me while discussing their thoughts about intimacy, their partners and spouses. Before long, a theme arose:

What especially bothered these men were the rampant myths that go unchallenged in society about what men really want from marriage or a long-term relationship.

Myth 1: Men do not value intimacy and emotional connection. 

Myth 2: Men are motivated to control and tell women what to do (and therefore prefer passive women). 

Myth 3: Men only want sex (rather than emotional connection). 

Myth 4: Men do not care about their partners’/spouses’ feelings. 

Myth 5: Men would rather spend time with their guy friends than their wives/girlfriends.

Let’s take a closer look at the first myth, the one that claims that men do not value emotional closeness. This myth arises out of the difficulty some men have with emotions: in particular, expressing and sharing their feelings. 

This reality is partly rooted in the way in which many men are socialized. Emotional self-expression is not considered an important and useful trait for many men—therefore young boys aren’t given the psychological tools needed to identify and appropriate express their feelings.

Of particular importance is the way in which fathers (and other male mentors) act as role-models for their sons. While many fathers are becoming more comfortable with their sons’ emotional lives, some fathers continue to hold the expectation that once their male child hits a certain age, this emotionality will give way to stoic self-control.

All too often these fathers are perpetuating what was handed down to them by their own fathers—a type of intergenerational legacy of difficulty tolerating and expressing emotions.

Why are feelings difficult for men?

Feelings of vulnerability (tenderness, sadness, fear, feeling “less than,” embarrassment and shame) conflict with the ideal of masculinity—central to this ideal is the trait of control and masculine strength. Men value power and in the arena of love, power and strength equate to being able to take care of your loved ones.

As the requirements of marriage and intimate relationships change and men are asked to be more emotionally available, the guiding questions for many men are:

How can masculinity and vulnerability exist side by side?

Do I need to totally abandon the traits of masculinity I value in order to be a good husband and/or father?

Unfortunately, the mentality that emotional vulnerability equates to weakness is alive and well in many cultures and held by too many men. This deep-seated attitude is often triggered in relationships that require and demand greater intimacy. Faced with the challenges of intimacy, men may shut down and withdraw, rather than allow themselves to feel confused and emotionally impotent.

But men still value connection!

Difficulty sharing emotions does not necessarily mean that emotional connection isn’t important to men. Think of it this way: You can deeply enjoy music and yet not know how to play a musical instrument.

How men go about creating connection has less to do with emotional sharing and more to do with actions that validate their masculine identity–providing for their loved ones, tangential giving that leads to concrete results.

As Roger recently said:

“My wife didn’t like the color of our bedroom and when she was out with her sister, I painted the entire room her favorite color. I couldn’t wait to see her reaction. When she got home she gave me this big hug and I felt like a million bucks…”

In other words, Roger felt emotionally connected to his wife. He experienced intimacy through doing for his wife, rather than emotional expression.

For the men who feel most at home in the familiar but constrictive strait-jacket of hyper-masculinity, there are significant hurdles to overcome as they attempt to adjust to the new requirements of love and marriage. But for many other men, self-expression and emotional intimacy are seen as long-overdue and a welcome addition to what relationships can offer. 

These men have long realized that messages that continue to perpetuate the stoic, need-to-be-in-control, warrior mentality are as detrimental to men as they are to women.

As ever, a new year is a time to pause, and list those things you'd do or change. Often, these are denial things: I will stop smoking, I will not eat fatty foods, I will not be so lazy.

But our tip is to focus on the positive. Make resolutions that state the benefit gain rather than the negative loss.  

A resolution that focuses on the negative constantly reminds you of the loss. "I won't eat fish & chips" centres you on fish & chips, and so reminds you how much you miss them. Better instead to focus on a benefit: "I will to have more energy", so that the gain becomes the focus. It will be much easier to keep to, and walk passed that chippy shop.

We mainly know where stress comes from at Christmas time: pleasing every body else. You have to make it special for the children. You have to do your duty by your parents and your partner's parents too. You have to be jolly AND make sure everyone else is jolly too - at the same time, on the same day, in the same way.

It almost has an inkling of Big Brother - both the Orwellian version, having to have a mandatory experience with the great mass of people; and the trash reality TV version, you're meant to be on show all the time.

Doing what everyone else expects you to do. Or what you image everyone else expects. Or what you image the Christmas tradition should make everyone else expect. That's stressful. 

Why? Because where are you and what you want in all this? If your inner Child doesn't get it's Christmas present, it's not going to be happy. Particularly if your inner Parent is telling it off for being selfish. 

So, to have a lower stress Christmas, make sure you put your needs on the list too. Not just trying to please everybody else. 

I liked this direct advice from Richard Maun.

A client asked me how to start a conversation and it reminded me that it’s often easier to talk about networking than it is to go and do it. Starting conversations is easy, when you have prepared a couple of opening gambits. These can include:

A) You smile, profer your hand for a fellow networker to shake and introduce yourself. You can then ask them: Have you had a busy day? (Or do you have a busy day to look forward to?).

These are closed questions and you can bet they’ll be answered with a ‘Yes’. Then you can follow up with an ‘open’ conversation starter such as: And what does a busy day look like for you?

B) Recognise that people like to begin a conversation with safe ‘Rituals’ such as organising drinks and asking how you are? Answer: Fine. (This is safe and predictable… if you want to scramble their brain then firmly clasp their arm and thank them for their concern, before talking wildly about your troubles).

After a Ritual introduction people are happy to do some ‘Pastiming’. This is where we chat about safe subjects, such as the weather, the journey to the meeting, if they watched a popular TV programme and so on.

Pastiming requires more thought than Ritual and there’s more risk involved (perhaps in disclosing you watch the Antiques Roadshow) and with a few easy questions you can soon find yourself in the flow of a productive conversation.

Ritual and Pastiming are two Transactional Analysis (TA) terms that relate to Time Structuring… which is a model that helps us to work out where we are in a conversation. It’s only once we’ve made a friend or built some rapport that we can move up to ‘Activity’ and get down to business.

And a tip that I often offer is simply to learn five good questions that are easy for people to answer. If you’re stressed then it’s simpler to just use rote learning to get a conversation started, rather than having the burden of thinking in the moment! Suggestions include:

1. How long have you done that?
   
   
2. How did you get started?
   
   
3. What trends are there in your industry? 
   
   
4. What mistakes do people tend to make when they start out?
   
   
5. What do you look for in a client?

Preparation is the key and it’s okay to rehearse your questions on the journey, to make sure you have them up and running in your head. That’s what I do!

And remember… people like to be listened to, so if you’re doing more nodding and less talking, the other person will feel like it’s a really great conversation.

Happy chatting!